I'm Letting Go Of Who I Thought I Should Be
Updated: Jul 28, 2018
The saying is absolutely true, "you must lose yourself before you can find yourself."
For as long as I can remember, I've always lived my life in seamless alignment with the expectations of others. My youth was always marked by the need to please others—my family, my boyfriend, and my friends. My college years were no different. By the time I entered my post-grad crisis, I became obsessed with fitting into the perfect mold that was expected of me as a first-generation UCLA-educated young woman.
The culmination of my own insecurity and my desire to live up to my immigrant parents's ideals led me to believe I had to do something extraordinary as a reparation for their sacrifices. In turn, I became extremely fixated on a idealistic model of success and began to compare myself to everyone around me. When I finally did something extraordinary by landing my dream internship role I thought all my insecurities would magically disappear. Despite achieving my definition of "success" I was left just as lost if not more.
For the longest time my idea of success equated to moving to LA and living in my pinterest-decorated apartment and leading an envious picture-perfect lifestyle. But I just don't think that's the case anymore.
Recently, I had a conversation with my friend that really put things into perspective for me. I shared with her my plans to travel to Europe next year as an Au Pair (which I will discuss on my next blog post) and she was reasonably shocked. I have always been known as the girl with the big dreams of moving to LA. It was deeply rooted in my identity. What I realized was that the more I thought about it the more I was trying to push a plan that I thought others had expected from me. I became enamored with an idea so much that I began to lose sight of why I wanted it in the first place. I thought that by moving to LA and "making it," it would validate my talents as a writer. I was seeking validation for all the wrong reasons.
Coming to terms with myself wasn't an easy road. It took a breakup, therapy, spiritual counseling, and a lot of soul-searching to truly be okay with myself. The saying is absolutely true, "you must lose yourself before you can find yourself."
Before, I was terrified of being alone and taking risks. I sat on my passions for months because I was afraid of what people would think. Now, I spend time alone and do things that force me outside of my comfort zone. I'm putting my efforts into growing my blog and traveling the world. Now I'm the only person who will stand in my own way.
The past few months have been filled with self-reflection, growth, and shifted priorities. I'm learning that there is no grand timeline to achieve my dream career and that there's nothing wrong with seeking out new adventures. I'm excited to share my new goals in greater detail in my next blog post.